Is that you

How independent is one or can be?I used to think I was, but these days I am afraid I am just too dependent atleast emotionally.

And while talking to one of my friend realised almost everyone is when in a relationship.You can safely assume I write only about boring women in my blog.

Meeting up on weekends with friends or going out to eat once in a while has become almost impossible.Everyone wants to go home early if they can leave office.The same doesnt happen with guys.

I havent heard any guy wanting to go home early, yes leaving office early is therebut not going home from office.

I have split into 2 personalities since my wedding. One I had no idea I even had in me but certainly is here to stay and another fighting to survive.Both coexisting just does not seem practical.

Look into the mirror
what do u see
a little aged you
a little sad you
a little happy you
or is it just not you

My first experience with fantasy books

Today suddenly I remembered about some books I had read like 14-15 years back, now I really sound like a very old lady. Back in high school I had not yet started reading english books.
I was stuck with reading the kannada books, mainly because I didnt have access to english books and also because I just didnt know what to read.
I was a serious reader of kannada books then, books like garuda rekhe, kagadada hoovu were one of the first novels I read, believe me they are HEAVY emotional books.
Once I was in my village for summer holidays, in my grandfather's room there was a "kanaja" Kanaja means the place where they used to store the grains. it was around 7 ft deep and 6 feet wide.
And it was filled with all kind of junk since it was not used anymore to store grains.
I jumped into it and started searching without knowing what I was looking for. That is where I found garuda rekhe and chandrakanta santati.
I managed to find 9 books of santati, it actually had 11 books. Reading chandrakanta santati at that time was such an exhilarating experience.
I did not find the first book, so initially I was apprenhsive to start with the books. But I decided to go ahead. luckily every book had a synopsis of the previous book.
The 2nd book was named as some rahasya, the name was enough to start me on the book. half way through the book I was as happy as I had found a treasure.
I used to imagine those mayajala described and how the aiyyars disguised themselves. It was a beautiful book. by the end of the book I was addicted to chandrakanta santati.
Many of the books were very very humourous. It took me around 3 months to finish the 9 books. Actually I had found only 7 books initially, you wudnt believe to find the other 2 I asked every one of my relatives on my mother side.
Finally 2 of my cousins had 1 book each. Tragedy was I didnt have the last book and till now I have not read the last book. The books I had were v v old. Now that I have suddenly remembered those I will read those books again.
I think one of my aunt took all the books, so I will have to go buy the books.
But the smell of books which is close to 80 yrs old is something else.

no more no less

Its strange how talking to some people seems so natural even though you are not really close with them.

I know lot of people like that. I dunno wht their parents do, what she likes to do in free time. Or about her family or aspirations, but conversation just flows so easily.

These are people i dont spend time with either. Right now I am at a stage where in I have absolutely no friends to hang out with.

I am not even looking for one, I have my bfast and lunch alone. Maybe people around me think am a wierdo but honestly I cannot settle for less.

Having had so many 'fun-to-be-with' friends I feel there is just no one who can fill their spot.

I know almost everyone in our team, talk to everyone but its just a temp thing. It goes back to the void in life.

The thing I miss the most now is someone to chatter with, gossip with (no evil gosspis). Somehow it feels as if this phase of mine will last for a very long time.

It is that day of the year again

how many of us wait for our birthdays? I would say not me, but i know somewhere inside i hope that things will get better or things will become great from good every year as my birthday approaches.

I dont know why i end up linking it with my bday all the time, well actually its bday and new year.As far as the celebrations go well its just that i do get to cut a cake.

nothing much, I dont know if it means anything to anyone. Sometimes I feel we just get to cut the cake because few folks want us to feel good about it.

Obviously there are no suprises, its always a cake which they hope will surprise me.

That is why when i really do care for a person I go out of my way to make it a lil special.

So all in all every year i kind of hate this day, because it is supposed to be special but i feel nothing of that sort.

Here I am just wearing a new dress because my mom got me and I know when i go home i will have a cake ready to be cut ... sighhhh ... can't life be a lil more exciting and surprising ....

Forever nowhere

I wake up in the morning, wait to get into the bus so I can peacefully read some book. I enter the office and I wait to finish my morning ritual calls or mails. Then I sit there waiting for my lunch time, then for the clock to hit 5 so that I can again go back into my hiding place which is the bus. I reach home and wait for 9 pm so that I can have my dinner then I wait to go to bed. When I cant sleep and stay awake I think of if only I get to sleep it will soon be morning and the night will be over. So here I am repeating the above steps on every day of my life religiously. So what do you see missing in this routine, its obviously a sense of purpose. Its as if someone has taken away the thing that matters the most to me. I am not talking here about a single purpose like many ppl have, to achieve or to do something diff or something great. Its the simple purpose in life thats missing, the purpose of reaching home with a plan to cook a meal or waking up to think that I can probably do something I did yesterday a lil better today or plan to keep myself occupied on a weekend or atleast dream about something which I know I cant get but atleast I was dreaming. No more there is an urge to own a luxury car nor to go around the world. As I said before the most precious thing is missing in life. I used to think this was a cool life but honestly this is as good as having no existence. If I look back there were many a times when I had a sense of achievement, but if it was never enough, I just want that one moment which will always remain without giving me the feeling of void.
Tonight the dream is mine
tomorrow I wanna be awake with a hope of fulfilling it
But there is lil or no desire to wake up
Just in case the hope was all false

Fountainhead - long way to finish the book

Finally I started reading the fountainhead seriously. After hearing so many people talk about it. It is a daring effort to be different just like the main character. This is what I think as far as I have read right now. People keep telling me about this Howard roark and how he is their favourite character. But honestly in real life if we ever met a character like him how many of us would really like him? Obviously the first attempt by everyone around would be like the character Peter Keating. Basic question is can anyone really love such a man? other than ofcourse the conked off character like Dominique? The part am right now dominique and howard havent met each other but its obvious that they are suitable for each other.So for people who like howard roark I would like to ask what they like about him? I gues everyone wants to be like him, not to care about the world be a master of his own, but not everyone is capable of doing it, either lack of intent or lack of talent. So why even say he is your fav? I can understand if someone likes a jovial character, or a handsome rich guy described in romantic novels but Howard roark? why do people have to pretend about even their fav characters? somehow whenevr people talk about fountainhead the feeling I get is they are trying to place themselves amongst the intellectuals who read only books with some sort of substance - crap. Nothing wrong with the book, amazing till now. But my criticism is for those people who read this and like it because it is supposed to be intellectual/philosophical.The best part of the book till now is that the author has written the book as if she were Howard roark, she so obviously laughs at the person who is reading this book. Its almost as if the author doesnt care what the hell you might think of her book.No she doesnt care if you appreciate it or hate it. She doesnt care if you think it as the best book ever or crap. Good I am reading this book, whenevr I next hear someone saying wow such an amazing book, I can laugh at them saying who cares what you think of it.
Coming to the characters, the only real character in the book is of Peter Keating. Howard roark doesnt exist. Even if he does he is not known to anyone in this world. If you meet him you will despise him. Dominique is just one of those characters who is just at the edge of breakdown. all others are just part of this world we see a bit of each in people around us day in day out.
The story line is kinda obvious and simple. Its about being passionate vs being practical.you will read through the book without much effort, beginning is a bit of a struggle it improves as it progresses. its a jeffery archer book without masala and lot of reality thrown in. Start reading if u are looking for some book to read.

Nothing remains same

Somehow beauty of bangalore seems more obvious when there has being a slight drizzle and there is this lazy atmosphere all over. Today morning bangalore seemed like the old banaglore i knew of.
The route my bus takes is thru that ulsoor, mg rd, trinity circle and rest everyone knows.It probably rained overnight, Monday morning is obviously the laziest of mornings and with this cloudy climate just makes me want to snuggle back into my razai.
I was talking about my bus route, now it vaguely resembles the old days, with still some of the gulmohar trees intact and i have no idea what are the other trees that are lined up on either sides of the roads. Saw couple of school buses on the way kids looking really drousy and with hardly any enthu to go to school :).
Things changed so quickly in the same bus route. One place the rain made the place look beautiful and another place as soon as we enter vivek nagar felt rain just increased the filth there and ofcourse no more trees to be seen.
Trees are apparently replaced with shabbily built appartments on one side to a huge slum area on the other. Eventually we enter koramangala, there are few trees left but the roads get busier, too much honking everywhere and above the honking that irrating sound of the indicator on my bus.It just gets worse as we cross the silk board junction and joining the ocean of hosur traffic.With the half built flyover the place is a real mess.
Now its not that I am too keen to reach the office early, I dont mind the wait since am too engrossed in the book am reading but really I wish the drive was pleasant.I dont think this problem is specific to bangalore, so many people and so much less place to accomodate them. Was watching bachna ae haseeno yest, Ranbir says that in swiss the ratio of cattle and man is 10:1. How I wish most places on world would be like that, except NY please that place needs that buzz to make it beautiful.
To add to this whole road saga, we have our infy bus stop as well, so many people. Its as if I have arrived at the railway station. Just that there is no escape here.